On Facebook, I will occasionally post images or words that create/allow for this truly unexpected complete wash of tears. I've come to term this "soul shower" because of the effect. Interestingly, there's usually no sobbing or other physical response, just my eyes opening and tears flowing. Hmm... as I wrote that... my eyes opening, I think that's it - and not just my eyes. While at times, the opening is a soft and gentle thing, for me it tends to be a cracking, thus the expected nature of my tears.
Years ago, at the beginning of my sobriety, I described part of my experience as follows...
My decades of using drugs and alcohol to hide resulted in an almost complete hardening of my heart. I could outwardly express compassion, generosity, love, etc. but those experiences were only on the surface for me. Though my early recovery process, I came to learn about Emotional Intelligence and I could see how my substance use had stunted my growth. At first, I could only see the part that limited my ability to recognize and respond to other people's emotions. Realizing how disconnected, in an authentic way, I had been for so long from the people I truly care about was both gut and heart wrenching.
Then came the transformation... when I realized through work, effort and an honest appraisal of my thoughts and behavior, I was also unable to "recognize my own emotions, to discriminate between different feelings and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior." I looked and saw my heart was not only hard, it was locked shut to me and of course, I held the key all along. I spent hours and hours one evening about three years ago, alone in my cottage, sitting on my couch, hugging my knees to my chest, rocking and sobbing... and my heart cracked open.
The surprise was in what I saw in my soul and mind's eye. It was not a sweet soft cushy thing inside of that grey, craggy, rough exterior. If only.
My heart opened up to reveal a magnificent geode-like interior. This is pretty much what I saw <link>. And certainly not what I wanted to see. I thought my work was done in the cracking open. I had no choice, there was no stepping back, I threw my entire self into my own heart, into and onto those gorgeous shards.
I am not here for easy any more. I am grateful for the gift of Soul Showers for the release, the deep breathing and the clarity.
Years ago, at the beginning of my sobriety, I described part of my experience as follows...
My decades of using drugs and alcohol to hide resulted in an almost complete hardening of my heart. I could outwardly express compassion, generosity, love, etc. but those experiences were only on the surface for me. Though my early recovery process, I came to learn about Emotional Intelligence and I could see how my substance use had stunted my growth. At first, I could only see the part that limited my ability to recognize and respond to other people's emotions. Realizing how disconnected, in an authentic way, I had been for so long from the people I truly care about was both gut and heart wrenching.
Then came the transformation... when I realized through work, effort and an honest appraisal of my thoughts and behavior, I was also unable to "recognize my own emotions, to discriminate between different feelings and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior." I looked and saw my heart was not only hard, it was locked shut to me and of course, I held the key all along. I spent hours and hours one evening about three years ago, alone in my cottage, sitting on my couch, hugging my knees to my chest, rocking and sobbing... and my heart cracked open.
The surprise was in what I saw in my soul and mind's eye. It was not a sweet soft cushy thing inside of that grey, craggy, rough exterior. If only.
My heart opened up to reveal a magnificent geode-like interior. This is pretty much what I saw <link>. And certainly not what I wanted to see. I thought my work was done in the cracking open. I had no choice, there was no stepping back, I threw my entire self into my own heart, into and onto those gorgeous shards.
I am not here for easy any more. I am grateful for the gift of Soul Showers for the release, the deep breathing and the clarity.
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